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[ Thursday, June 16, 2005 ]

 

Reflection

As I was about to hang up from talking to H, she said, "I almost forgot to tell you…I heard that Z's parents got into a car accident and are in the hospital. I need to call him."

"I should call him, too," I responded automatically.

I hung up saddened and made some dua for Z and his family. Z is one of those all-around nice guys, masha Allah. I had met him soon after entering college, and I still find it funny that he had mistaken me for a Junior. I couldn't help but remember how he always told me that I needed to meet his mom, since we share the same name. His parents had been at the recent graduation banquet, but I hadn't met them.

It had been at least a week since I found out about the accident, and although I remembered multiple times a day that I needed to at least email Z, I hadn't done so. He's one of those nice brothers who always has enough adab to say salaam and ask how things are going. Other brothers can learn a lot from him. I would sometimes run into him at the prayer area on campus and he was always friendly and polite. We used the same big study lounge so I would see him often, especially around finals time, when everyone lived in the libraries and study lounges. So I felt really guilty that I hadn't talked to him about the accident yet. I told myself that I'd get to it, and I figured it's not like we're close friends. Still, we have common friends, and when we happened to see each other at the Muslim owned café by campus, he had introduced me to his uncle as his friend. He had invited me to two of his dinner parties (along with other students) but I had made one excuse after another, not wanting to be in a mixed social gathering, even if it was at his home with his parents there.

So I don’t know why it was taking me so long to contact him. Why didn't I have enough manners to ask how his parents are doing? I told myself that emailing would be better for one reason or another, but the truth is that I thought talking on the phone would be too personal.

I went to campus today to buy some books for summer school, and I remembered about Z again. I was surprised to find his number saved in my cell phone since I couldn’t recall having ever called him. I didn’t want to keep putting it off so I finally dialed his number. I have to admit, I was relieved that it went straight to his voicemail so I'd have enough time to figure out what to say. How do you try to comfort someone whose parents are in the hospital?

Later, he returned my call, and I'm ashamed to say that I let it go to my voicemail. I was afraid to talk to him. I didn’t want it to turn into a long conversation that would lead to more phone conversations in the future. He basically said that he had not answered since he was in class, and he appreciated my call. He thanked me for calling and said that his parents were now back from the hospital. Alhamdulillah.

Still, I feel like a hypocrite and a bad friend. I remember once angrily telling a brother that if he really considered me a good friend like he said I was, he would treat me like one. I had told him that if his issue was modesty, he needed to learn that it is possible for brothers and sisters to be friends while maintaining modesty. He had responded that he does consider me a friend and respects me as a sister in the Deen, but he has a different approach to friendship with sisters. I knew he was right, of course, but I was too bitter about other things. I guess I'm still bitter. But I know what he meant about friendship because it's the same with me. Unlike some other sisters, I can't have the same level of friendship with brothers as I would have with sisters. There are only a few brothers I can think of who I talk to somewhat regularly and who I have at one time or another opened up to. With other brothers, I limit it to being acquaintances or having a business relationship. It's not that I don't care about them; it's that I don't want to open myself up and let them get too close. And I try to make sure I'm never alone with any brothers. Luckily, being on guard about acting Islamically appropriate helps to lessen any chances of getting too close to brothers and getting hurt again.

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