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[ Friday, March 18, 2005 ]

 

"I'm walking down the line / That divides me somewhere in my mind / On the border line / Of the edge and where I walk alone"

Today I came very close to going swinging at the park in the rain. But somehow, I couldn't find the energy to be that spontaneous.

I felt like I was going to suffocate. I needed out and I needed it right then. No, it couldn't wait a few more hours until after my English class. The last class before my week of Spring Break. I hastily bounded out the door of the science building, unsuccessfully trying to get past a well-meaning sister without calling attention to myself. But she had already seen me crying.

I pulled my umbrella low over my head so that no one could see my face, and I wouldn't have to stop and make small talk with anyone I happened to recognize.

My phone rang and it was from a close sister who had forgotten her wallet and was hoping that I could help her buy donuts for her class. It took so much effort to even utter any words. I met her at the donut shop and we made small talk, with her pretending that she didn't notice my bloodshot eyes and me pretending to smile at her jokes.

I walked through the puddles to my car, not caring in the least that by then my pants had become soaked to my knees. I waved goodbye as I drove past the nice car attendants who sometimes say salaam, but then burst into tears before even making it beyond the parking lot. The thought that it was raining both inside and outside my car just kept going through my mind, even though it didn't make much sense. I don't think anyone can hurt us as much as we hurt ourselves. We know just which buttons to push.

The drive home was a blur and I knew that at times I was speeding. How is it that even on a day when I should have been feeling free, I still could not enjoy my surroundings? My mom opened the door and gave me a hug, more happy than concerned that I had skipped class and was home so early. We spent the remainder of the day doing pretty much nothing but having a movie marathon. Because that's what I do when I don't want to think anymore. I'm tired.

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