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[ Sunday, February 27, 2005 ]

 

"The soul needs beauty for a soul mate / When the soul wants... the soul waits..."

I found myself going through the photos on my computer again today. I have them categorized into events, dates, and groups as if doing so will make everything just as structured in my life. I saw your pictures again. It's kind of hard to ignore them when they're practically in every folder. But then again, I wasn't trying to hide from them. No, I just hide from you in person. You'd be amazed by how many photos I have of you in your different moods, looking serious here, but grinning like a silly kid there. With your various hair styles that we would always joke about. It's funny, I never had the right to see your pictures, but now I feel it more than ever because I don't even have that uncertainty. I have a clear answer.

I see the picture of myself and wonder at how I had planned out exactly what I would wear the days I would see you, as if dressing any differently would make you change your mind. It never did, nor did I truly think it would (or should). You never think it's going to get so bad that you can't even have a comfortable conversation with each other. It's easier to simply avoid one another.

Then I study the picture of you smiling at him, and just as suddenly my thoughts turn to him. But there's no point in setting myself up for even more disappointment and awkwardness. Because as I quickly glance through the rest of the pictures in that folder, I can't help but notice her…yes, she always stands out wherever she goes, doesn't she? Ms. smooth, sophisticated, smart and stylish who knows how to dazzle everyone. Sure, I could be like that too, but I'd rather be true to myself. Why can't I just forget about her?

It serves me right for dwelling on things that aren't going to change. One of these days, I'm going to have the courage to delete all those pictures, but not today.

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