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[ Tuesday, July 06, 2004 ]

 

I've decided that the most effective way that I can do dawah is through my Islamic example. Self-righteous people who believe that their way-and only their way-is the correct way, only turn others away from Islam. On the other hand, I don't feel like I have any power to influence people to improve themselves or "refocus." I am not awesome. I do not have noor. I'm just like any other Muslim out there...struggling each and every day with issues that test my iman.

I keep thinking about that saying of Rabia al-Adawiyya's about being in such a state of gratitude towards Allah that one doesn't even realize when s/he is hit with tribulation. If only that were the case with me. These past couple of weeks have taught me just how fragile my iman is; it's nowhere strong as I thought it was. Maybe I needed humbling. Maybe these things happen to make you turn that much more to Allah (SWT). Yes, I believe that Allah (SWT) has power over all things, that He knows where I'm headed, and knows everything that I hide even from myself. I understand that if things are meant to be, Allah will make things fall into place.

But I also believe that somewhere in there, I have to take an active role in what happens in my life, and bear the consequences of such actions. Those decisions are ones that I, myself, make. You tell yourself that you're prepared for any outcome, but in reality, you cannot help but hold onto that hope. And sometimes those sincere hope and duas are not enough. Sometimes tears are not enough.

Sometimes even love is simply not enough.

And yet, I continue to hold onto all of those things.

I guess that's one of the things that hurts the most—It's humbling when you realize that no matter how deeply you love someone, it's quite possible that that person does not feel anything of the sort in return. And there's nothing you can do to change that. While that may seem obvious to others, it's not until you're actually in that situation that you're truly hit with it. And it's shocking. And it makes you look at this world in disbelief. Because it no longer seems like it's the same place. Or maybe it is, and it's just me who has changed. Maybe both.

Yes, I believe that Allah (SWT) is the best of planners. I'm told that maybe this wasn't meant to be, that maybe there's something better in store for me. But how can I believe that? Maybe we just say that to make ourselves feel better. Maybe we just settle for so much less than we thought we had a chance at. In order to go on, we tell ourselves that we are happy and content.

It hurts when you can't even be mad at anyone, not even yourself. Because then there's no one to point the finger at.

As Hijabified told me, this is a test that will either elevate me in Allah's (SWT) eyes, expiate my sins, or make me stronger. Maybe all of the above. I know that Allah only tests those whom He loves. And He doesn't give a person more than he or she can handle. And in the end, it's not truly in my hands. In the end that has to be enough.

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