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[ Friday, May 21, 2004 ]

 

I feel emotionally drained.

I completed my last final today. Had a chance to say goodbye to some, but not to others. I don't know; I just don’t feel right. It's not like I'm graduating, or anything, so I don't know what the big deal is. I feel like we're all distancing ourselves anyway, or maybe that's just me. I'm never good at keeping in touch with people over summer…I let friendships drift like that and then I expect to just carry on like normal when I get back to school. I can't believe that I'm not going to go back to Berkeley on Monday. The whole year flew by so fast. Freshman year. Now it's over. I just can't believe it.

I went to the DC for dinner with some of my friends again today. Sis F was cool enough to swipe me in. I felt weird. There was no more room and Sis R motioned for me to come sit by her…which meant that I had to sit next to Bro S. I asked his permission before sitting down, but I still felt weird. I'm not comfortable eating in front of guys. Didn't enjoy the meal. Even though everyone else was having normal conversations with one another, I couldn't talk to the brothers, not even the one I was sitting next too. It didn’t feel right. Sure, I spent the whole day with both brothers and sisters today, but there's a difference between studying together for a final and socializing. Honestly, it's not like any of us were doing anything wrong, but it just wasn't my type of scene.

A bro that I have a lot of respect for recently gave me some good advice. He told me that if I start seeing myself doing something that I didn't used to do before going to Berkeley, not to take it lightly. And not to let people influence me to think it's ok to be doing it even once. He told me that as a student of knowledge, I have light and to be careful because there are others who need that light and they will try to drain mine. I told him that I don't think I have nur, but he said he knows I do, and to be careful and not compromise myself. I think he gives me way too much credit in terms of having knowledge, but I definitely feel what he is referring to. And I know that I just have to be strong. Some of my friends want to make changes in their lives to become "more Islamic," and they look to me to help them in that. I just need to be strong enough to guide them through that without getting sucked into their ways.

I feel like there's just way too much going on with me right now. I feel empty. And if I try to talk to anyone about it, I start crying.

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