User-agent: * Disallow: / ~*bean*~

~*bean*~

[ Thursday, January 22, 2004 ]

 

School vs. Home

We had a meeting yesterday about the MSA West conference, which will be hosted at our school this year. We're expecting 800-1000 students, so housing is going to be a problem. Since we're not too far from campus, insha Allah our family will be hosting about 20 sisters. I'm so excited! It'll be hectic, but it'll be like a super sleepover. And man, we could use all the thawab that we can get. Speaking of the conference, Shaykh Murtadha (who according to my friend, looks like the actor, Jean Claude Van Damm) is going to be reciting nasheeds this year! I can't wait...Masha Allah he has the most beautiful voice I've ever heard! And this year insha Allah there will be MSA Olympics for the first time ever.

After the meeting, a sister walked me to my car since it was already dark. We ended up going to her apartment since it was only a block or two further. She made me a really yummy sandwich with tomatoes, onions, cucumbers, cream cheese, sprouts, and green corriander. She's a Spring admit and was feeling really overwhelmed. I felt weird giving her advice, especially considering the mess I went through last semester, but I think insha Allah it helped her. We ended up talking about everything from family pressure to careers and marriage (blah, depressing topic).

Sisters always ask me why I'm not living on campus. I have to admit, I think I'd love to live on campus. I usually console myself by thinking about how much more stressed I'd be if I had to worry about cooking and cleaning as well as my studying. And I have to admit that sometimes I do get tired of Berkeley, and I just want to get away from it...but that's what weekends are for. I need to be content because alhamdulillah I have a lot to be grateful for. I was able to pay for this first year through scholarships and my dad pays for my car, my cell phone, and everything else. I don't have to work. Sure, I feel guilty that I don't work and contribute, but I honestly don't think that I'd be able to juggle school, halaqas/MSA/Sunday School/etc and school anyway. My parents can't afford for me to live on campus, and I'd feel guilty even if they could, because it's only a half hour away. Our governor sure isn't helping any with his budget cuts! But somehow, I can't see my parents letting me live in an apartment,anyway, even if it were with other sisters. That's just the way they are.

Lately, I've been feeling so cooped up, though. I suppose part of it has to do with the fact that I had such a long winter break and the only times spent away from home were for Islamic stuff, visting family in Sacramento, or going to Davis with my sis a few times. My mom keeps bugging me to print out my school schedule for her as I had done last semester. I keep putting it off, saying it's not finalized (and it isn't). But part of it is that I just don't want to have to account for every single hour I spend away from home anymore. I'm tired of always having to specify where I am and what time I'll be home. I'm tired of having to ask permission for hanging out with other sisters. And yes, I feel left out when I can't always go bowling, iceskating, or to dinner with other sisters. And it's embarrassing having to explain that my parents don't let me go to sleepovers, even if they're at Muslim sisters' places. I'm almost twenty and my parents treat me like a child. It's really irritating, but I have to learn to be patient and grateful. I have trouble communicating with my mom. We just can't relate to one another. I know she gets lonely and she needs someone to talk to. But because she's so antisocial, she isn't friends with other aunties as is the norm with Pakistani women. My mom will just sit there, waiting for me to say something, and I don't know what to say to her. Or I'm busy studying and she doesn't understand that. I need my space. I need my quiet. I have my own interests. I can't be her friend. I just can't. And I know that sounds cruel, but it's the truth.

I pray in the same room on the fourth floor of the Student Union at school as usual. It's great because I always end up seeing sisters, either while we're making wudu or praying. Keeps the sisterhood going. I was already doing Dhur salah today when a sister came in and prayed next to me. After we were done, we said salaam and hugged. Masha Allah she's one of the coolest sisters I know. It was funny because she turned to me, smiled, and said, "You know, I really like you! But don't tell the other sisters because then they'll be upset that I don't say that to them." I laughed and told her I like her too. It was funny saying it like that, but I knew what she meant...It's that sisterhood bond thing!

I actually came home relatively early today. It felt so weird to come home during the daylight hours. I decided that I need a break from all my reading, so here I am, blogging instead. I've had so much reading to do for my classes, especially since I'm now also taking an English class this semester. I don't think I've ever enjoyed my homework so much. We're reading Jane Eyre...I read it about five years ago, but I don't remember all of it, so it's nice to reread it. I've gone back to sitting in my sunny spot that I found towards the end of last semester - It's a patio area on the roof of the Student Learning Center, and there are cute, circular tables in bright colors. I have to admit that I was a bit shocked when I took off my hijab and looked in the mirror today...It seems that just a couple of days sitting there in the sun have brought back my hijab tan...in winter!

I've decided that as much as it is out of character for me, I want to learn how to dance. And yes, I'm a hijabi so of course I wouldn't dance in front of others. My cousin offerred to teach me how to dance. Now if I can just get over my embarrassment of *trying* to dance in front of her! I'm so not coordinated. But hey, if nothing else at least I'd get a good workout from it, right?

There's so much to do...I swear my to-do list grows exponentially!

0 comments

0 Comments:

Post a Comment