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[ Friday, February 07, 2003 ]

 

I've been such a bum lately. Yesterday, I woke up after 9 a.m., looked at the clock, and closed my eyes, glad that it was a weekend....Then I really woke up and realized just how late I was for school. I didn't get to school until 3rd period.

Today, Nasser Lalaji woke Apaji and me up soon after 8 a.m.. I was late for 1st period, but since I hadn't even started the rough draft of my essay (that was due today), I figured I would sleep in and skip the class. Man, I've got such Senioritus already. I think I'm just really tired. There's no one to make sure that we get up on time since Ummy and Daddy are away. I hope I don't make this into a habit.

Eid will insha Allah be next Wednesday. I'm so excited! We'll probably go to Eid salah (prayer) in Pleasanton and then go to Sacramento to see the family. I'm hoping that Blockbuster will still have enough copies of My Big Fat Greek Wedding and we girls can watch that and maybe go rollerskating or iceskating. But if Eid is on Tues., it messes things up b/c Apaji has a midterm to take that day. I invited Brenda to come w/ us, and she seemed really excited, but she has to ask her parents first. Brenda is also coming w/ us to the Eid weekend celebration at Zaytuna. Insha Allah it's going to be so much fun! I also want to go to the MAS "Eid & Family" show at De Anza--Imam Suheib Webb is gonna be there (and we all know how funny he can be) and there will be hip-hop performances by 11:59 and Jihad, as well as sketch comedy by the MCA Actors Guild (and if they're the ones who were hilarious at the MCA Unity Halaqa, I wanna hear their new stuff!).

The MSA meeting today was nice, but not that many people showed up. It seems like less and less come each time we have a meeting. A lot of last year's members don't come anymore and I can see Muslims at school straying. They don't even try to hide it. It's really very disappointing for me sometimes, but I try not to show it b/c I know that judging them isn't going to solve anything and that I need to keep up any form of contact with them. I try so hard to get something going with the MSA. I'm always asking for feedback and I don't get any. I don't know how to improve the MSA if no one is interested enough to come to the meetings or voice their opinions. Even criticism is better than silence, b/c then I at least know that people are interested in the MSA. I don't want to be a hypocrite and say there is a MSA if not that many people show up at the meetings. Well, at least Finella and Brenda were at the meeting today and we got to talk a little bit about the benefits of the 1st 10 days of Dhul-Hijjah, as well as upcoming Eid events. I don't think they even realize just how much there presence means to me. They saved my day! Insha Allah things will get better; I keep doing dua.

I dunno....I guess I've just been bummed out lately. School stresses me out. Friends stress me out. I feel so distant from them. And I have all these hopes for the future and sometimes I think I have a chance at it, and other times I feel down and I berate myself. And I miss Ummy and Daddy. Talking on the phone with them is not nearly enough. I miss Ummy's kisses and hugs...and good food...and I miss Daddy's hugs and warm feet. I miss having both of them together w/ us to make it feel like we're a family. It seems like we're never together w/ all of us. There's always someone missing. I just keep doing dua...

I know I should be grateful because I have so much. I have my family(even though sometimes I think that it's all messed up). I have my health and a home. I've been fasting again (which I will insha Allah continue until Eid) and that has its benefits. I've been doing my salah (although every now and then I have to do qada, or I miss salah completely and write them down so that I will make them up at some other time...although I try not to do this b/c it takes me a while to make them up). I have an education and in my family, my generation is the first with women getting any post-elementary school education. Yup I have much to be grateful for, and I just need to focus on positive things.


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